


The Adventure Server

by Lily_Star



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, But Only a Little Bit - Freeform, Chatting & Messaging, Humor, Multi, Some angst and fluff in there too, The only divergence is some characters meet other characters earlier than they did in canon, cause I'm dumb with usernames, chat fic, idk if it'll have an impact on the story yet, rated Teen for canon-typical swearing, shitty usernames, the first chapter is just a run-through of stolen century
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-27
Updated: 2019-01-15
Packaged: 2019-05-29 07:16:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,523
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15067961
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lily_Star/pseuds/Lily_Star
Summary: A retelling of The Adventure Zone from the point of view of various messages.(I changed the title, it used to be "I Saw Seven Usernames")





	1. SC = Stolen Communicator

**Author's Note:**

> Finally got the Trademarks to look normal

**~*~*~*~**

 

**{Cycle 0}**

 

**[Servers Loading...]**

 

**[. . .]**

 

**[Servers Online ✔]**

 

**[Captain Davenport is Online]**

 

**Captain Davenport:** The I.P.R.E communications are online! Congrats on being selected for the mission, folks!

 

**[Chronicler Flowerwall is Online]**

 

**Chronicler Flowerwall:** I appreciate your congratulations captain, thank you for having us onboard.

 

**[Head Science Officer Bluejeans is Online]**

 

**Head Science Officer Bluejeans:** Ditto, it's an honor to be on this mission.

 

**Captain Davenport:** There's no need to thank me, you all had quite stunning resumes.

 

**[Head of Security Burnsides is Online]**

 

**Head of Security Burnsides:** Hail and well-met team!

 

**Captain Davenport:** Hail and well met, Magnus, glad you could join us.

 

**[Medic and Biologist Highchurch is Online]**

 

**Medic and Biologist Highchurch:** Quite the party we've got here

 

**Captain Davenport:** Not yet, the twins haven't logged on yet.

 

**[Chef and Arcanist (Last Name Not Provided) is Online]**

 

**[Chef and Arcanist (Last Name Not Provided) is Online]**

 

**Chef and Arcanist (Last Name Not Provided):** Sick, I didn't know we'd get a group chat

 

**Chef and Arcanist (Last Name Not Provided):** Sweet

 

**Captain Davenport:** It's not a group chat, it's just a communications channel between our crew whenever we aren't near one another

 

**Chef and Arcanist (Last Name Not Provided):** It's a fucking group chat my guy.

 

**Head Science Officer Bluejeans:** Sorry to be a bother but I can't tell you two apart since you two have got the same usernames...

 

**Chef and Arcanist (Last Name Not Provided):** I'm Taako and I'm a dumbass

 

**Chef and Arcanist (Last Name Not Provided):** Shut up, heathen, that's only half true!

 

**Captain Davenport:** I can give you all some moderation privileges to change your usernames, it's probably for the best considering how long our generated usernames are and perhaps fix the confusion between the identification of the twins.

 

**Chef and Arcanist (Last Name Not Provided):** Go for it, homie

 

**Captain Davenport:** Alright, it's all set! You are now able to customize usernames!

 

**Chef and Arcanist (Last Name Not Provided):** Thank you for this holy, holy power, Captain.

 

**[Chef and Arcanist (Last Name Not Provided) has changed their name to Taako the Excellent]**

 

**[Chef and Arcanist (Last Name Not Provided) has changed their name to Lup the Resplendent]**

 

**[Chronicler Flowerwall has changed their name to Lucretia]**

 

**[Head Science Officer Bluejeans has changed their name to Barry Bluejeans]**

 

**[Head of Security Burnsides has changed their name to Magnus]**

 

**[Medic and Biologist Highchurch has changed their name to Merle]**

 

**Taako the Excellent:** Boo! Y'all're cowards

 

**Magnus:** Hey! I'm not a coward!

 

**Lup the Resplendent:** Then change your name, coward.

 

**[Magnus has changed their name to Brave Boi]**

 

**Taako the Excellent:** There ya go, was that so hard?

 

**Brave Boi:** No! It wasn't hard at all!

 

**Captain Davenport:** I am required to remind you all that we have a press conference to attend this afternoon at 1700.

 

**Lucretia:** Wouldn't miss it for the world, captain.

 

**Lup the Resplendent:** I've got my roast ready

 

**Taako the Excellent:** Damn,,, I thought I was going to do the roast

 

**Captain Davenport:** I wouldn't advise "roasting" anybody during the press conference.

 

**Lup the Resplendent:** No promises, Cap'n.

 

**~*~*~*~**

 

**Brave Boi:** I think that party was a success

 

**Merle:** We started a bar fight...

 

**Brave Boi:** Exactly! Best day ever!

 

**Lup the Resplendent:** What size shoes do y'all wear

 

**Barry Bluejeans:** How

 

**Barry Bluejeans:** How much shoes did you two get?

 

**Lucretia:** They got 35 shoes total because one of their victims had a pegleg.

 

**Taako the Excellent:** Damn, hit the nail on the head Luce, how'd ya know?

 

**Lucretia:** I'm just good at what I do.

 

**Merle:** Are you an expert at spying on people?

 

**Lucretia:** I wouldn't call it that,

 

**Lucretia:** But yeah.

 

**Captain Davenport:** I'm glad you all had fun! Remember to be in the hangar tomorrow morning at 0800

 

**Taako the Excellent:** UGH! That's so damn early! Taako's good here on this plane and sleeping in, you folks go on without me!

 

**Captain Davenport:** Well it's not that early, not if you go to sleep now.

 

**Lup the Resplendent:** Don't worry, I'll drag his ass into the hangar on time

 

**Captain Davenport:** That goes for the rest of you too, get some sleep now and be up as early as possible

 

**Brave Boi:** Aye aye, captain!

 

**~*~*~*~**

 

**Captain Davenport:** Merle, are you there? Everybody's waiting on you.

 

**Lup the Resplendent:** Taako's too sleepy to type this out himself so I quote "take your time so I can nap longer, old man"

 

**Merle:** Tell him to kiss my "old man" ass, I'm already in the building

 

**Lup the Resplendent:** Taako says "fuck you too" with an added "<3" to lessen the blow

 

**~*~*~*~**

 

**{Cycle 1}**

 

**Captain Davenport:** Alright gang, I know what we saw a while ago was... rough. But we shouldn't lose hope, we need to believe that our home is still okay.

 

**Barry Bluejeans:** Gods, I sure hope so, but when should we go back?

 

**Captain Davenport:** We can try finding our way back when enough time has passed, but until then we should distract ourselves by carrying on with the mission

 

**Brave Boi:** Alright, you're the boss, what should we do first?

 

**Captain Davenport:** Explore this new place, fly low and record our observations

 

**Lucretia:** Sounds good to me, I can write the observations

 

**Brave Boi:** I'll punch what needs to be punched

 

**Merle:** I'll heal Magnus if he punches something un-punchable

 

**Barry Bluejeans:** I can see if the atmosphere is any different than ours and if it's dangerous or not

 

**Lup the Resplendent:** Nerd

 

**Taako the Excellent:** We'll make sure you folks don't starve to death

 

**Brave Boi:** Don't worry about that, I brought a whole lot of hard candy

 

**Taako the Excellent:** If you can live out the entirety of this mission with nothing but hard candies I will give you 35 whole shoes, guaranteed, my man.

 

**~*~*~*~**

 

**Brave Boi:** Y'all

 

**Brave Boi:** I wanna fight the big bear

 

**Merle:** As your medic I say "don't do that"

 

**Merle:** But as a person with no moral compass I say "Hell yeah kick its ass"

 

**Barry Bluejeans:** Magnus, buddy, you can't fight a big bear

 

**Brave Boi:** Read the username, Bluejeans

 

**Brave Boi:** I could take that bear DOWN

 

**Taako the Excellent:** I'd place bets on that match

 

**Brave Boi:** See! Taako believes in me!

 

**Taako the Excellent:** Who said the bets were on you? My money's on the bear, homie.

 

**~*~*~*~**

 

**Captain Davenport:** Taako, Lup, and Barry. I'm am asking you this via typing in hopes of getting a response in common

 

**Captain Davenport:** Could you all start speaking common again, at least when there's somebody else in the room that can't understand you.

 

**Lup the Resplendent:** Pfth, whi chff chff pfth

 

**Captain Davenport:** ... You're kidding me, right?

 

**Brave Boi:** BULLSHIT! THERE'S NO WAY IN HELL YOU ALL CAN WRITE THIS SHIT! THE ANIMALS DON'T HAVE A WRITTEN LANGUAGE!

 

**Taako the Excellent:** Rrered clo wah

 

**Barry Bluejeans:** Pff hhh ah sgrrr

 

**Merle:** This

 

**Merle:** this is hell

 

**~*~*~*~**

 

**Captain Davenport:** MAGNUS WHERE ARE YOU!  YOU NEED TO GET ON THE SHIP!

 

**Captain Davenport:** MAGNUS PLEASE RESPOND

 

**Brave Boi:** I can't get to the ship in time, I needed to help these animals

 

**Captain Davenport:** MAGNUS WE CAN'T LEAVE YOU BEHIND

 

**Lup the Resplendent:** MAGNUS IF YOU DIE I WILL KILL YOU

 

**Brave Boi:** Please just go! I can't leavnlfhubsicdhu bvgdVDbb

 

**Captain Davenport:** Magnus?

 

**Captain Davenport:** MAGNUS!

 

**~*~*~*~**

 

**{Cycle 8}**

 

**Yes, I am a Medic:** Do you think these mushrooms can get us high?

 

**NerdJeans:** A) You're the biologist and B) We already know they're deadly

 

**Yes, I am a Medic:** Yeah, but maybe they're not ALL deadly.

 

**Journal Worm:** They are all deadly, Merle

 

**~*~*~*~**

 

**Rough'n'Tough:** Y'all I think I'm dying

 

**Yes, I am a Medic:** Elaborate, is it something I can fix?

 

**Rough'n'Tough:** Probably not, I got some spores in my lungs and it sucks

 

**Captain Davenport:** How much longer do you have?

 

**Rough'n'Tough:** I don't know Cap'n Port, villagers have promised to keep me up and running for as long as possible but there's no cure.

 

**Rough'n'Tough:** No worries though, I feel we're getting pretty darn close to the light!

 

**Journal Worm:** Good luck Mags, don't suffer too much.

 

**[Captain Davenport has changed their name to Cap'n Port]**

 

**Cap'n Port:** In memory of Magnus for dying again for the second time

 

**Lup, the Better Twin:** HA! I KNEW HE'D CHANGE HIS DAMN USER IN THIS CYCLE

 

**Taako:** SON OF A BITCH, IM OUT 5 SHOES

 

**Rough'n'Tough:** I, sarcastically, sure do love how sad you two are about my death but it makes me legitimately even happier to know that you two use those shoes as betting currency

 

**~*~*~*~**

 

**Taako, the Better Twin:** Hey, cha'boy's curious here, Did Merle build a damn church?

 

**Yes, I am a Medic:** Yes! Yes I did!

 

**Lup, the Better Twin:** I often forget that you're a cleric

 

**Yes, I am a Medic:** What, am I not religious enough?

 

**NerdJeans:** Honestly, it's like your religious switch gets flipped every now and then from "old man who has committed a sin before" to "hardcore religion nut"

 

**Yes, I am a Medic:** I don't believe in sinning, really, if I devote my entire life to a god then I don't think they give two shits about who I do and don't kill and what-not

 

**Journal Worm:** Wait, have you killed someone before?

 

**Yes, I am a Medic:** Not yet, maybe in like 100 cycles I'll lose sanity or some shit

 

**Cap'n Port:** I hope we get home sooner than that

 

**~*~*~*~**

 

**{Cycle 17}**

 

**Just Do It™** **:** Im no mechanic but, these robots look dope af

 

**Just Do It™** **:** Can I

 

**Just Do It™** **:** Can I put one of their arms on the ship, like a big one

 

**Cap'n Port™** **:** Care to elaborate?

 

**Just Do It™** **:** Remember the one cycle where we couldn't grab the light because it was in a danger zone?

 

**Just Do It™** **:** An arm, like one form a claw machine, could solve that problem

 

**Cap'n Port™:**  That's

 

**Cap'n Port™** **:** Actually not a terrible idea

 

**Just Do It™** **:** DOES THAT MEAN I GET TO DO IT :D

 

**Cap'n Port™** **:** The floor is yours, Magnus, but there's no guarantee it'll stick around for the next cycle

 

**Just Do It™** **:** THANK YO CAPTAIN

 

**~*~*~*~**

 

**Passionate About Plants™** **:** Lucretia made her first typo today

 

**Dual-Wielding Pens™** **:** So? Everybody makes mistakes...

 

**Denimboy™** **:** Lucretia, after 17 years, has finally gone insane.

 

**Dual-Wielding Pens™** **:** Again, it was only the one mistake, it is not like i forgot how to write!

 

**Trans(Gender) Wizard™** **:** LUCRETIA YOU FORGOT TO CAPITALIZE YOUR "I"!!!!!!!

 

**Dual-Wielding Pens™** **:** EVERYBODY HERE IS SO DAMN NIT-PICKY, MY GODS!

 

**~*~*~*~**

 

**Trans(Mutation) Wizard™** **:** Hey, me n' Lup found some magical energy down in the second tier

 

**Trans(Gender) Wizard™** **:** It could be powerful, it could be nothing, no way to tell quite yet

 

**Cap'n Port™** **:** It could be something, though, something we shouldn't let the Hunger get to.

 

**Just Do It™** **:** Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go check it out.

 

**Dual-Wielding Pens™** **:** How wants to stay behind?

 

**Denimboy™** **:** I volunteer, swimming isn't my thing and everything there is flooded

 

**Trans(Mutation) Wizard™** **:** Are you sure?

 

**Trans(Gender) Wizard™** **:** Yeah, Barry, there probably won't be much swimming down there

 

**Denimboy™** **:** I, uh, don't feel like taking that risk, just keep me updated

 

**Passionate About Plants™** **:** Sure thing, Bluejeans.

 

**Cap'n Port™** **:** Alright, let's get going

 

**Just Do It™** **:** I'M ALREADY OUTSIDE, CATCH UP SLOW-POKES!

 

**~*~*~*~**

 

**Denimboy™** **:** Any updates?

 

**Trans(Gender) Wizard™** **:** BAROLD! SHOULD WE OR SHOULD WE NOT KILL EVERYONE ON THIS PLANET!

 

**Denimboy™** **:** Ah, uh, I wouldn’t recommend it??????

 

**Trans(Gender) Wizard™** **:** EXACTLY!!!

 

**Just Do It™** **:** After they power down, Barry, should I give them emotions with this sharpie I stole from you?

 

**Denimboy™** **:** Maybe don’t?

 

**Just Do It™** **:** I’m doing it anyways!

 

**~*~*~*~**

 

**{Cycle 21}**

 

**Beach Dwarf:** Hey, Barry! Where you at bud?

 

**Barney BlueJorts:** Depends, why are you asking???

 

**Beach Dwarf:** Because, I made your gift, silly!

 

**Barney BlueJorts:** Actually, now that you asked, I’m at the bottom of the ocean!

 

**Beach Dwarf:** How’d ya get down there, I thought you couldn’t swim?

 

**Barney BlueJorts:** I, uh, found a water breathing potion and I walked to the bottom.

 

**Beach Dwarf:** Oh… well, come and find me when you resurface!

 

**Barney BlueJorts:** IF I resurface,,,

 

**#BeachLife:** Don’t drown yourself please, Barry.

 

**~*~*~*~**

 

**Sunlight Charm:** Has anybody seen Magnus today?

 

**Cap’n Summer:** No, I haven’t, and that is EXTREMELY worrying,,,

 

**Moonlight Charm:** I FUCKING BLASTED HIS ASS INTO THE OCEAN BECAUSE HE TRIED TO SCARE ME AGAIN

 

**MAGNUS!:** TAAKO THAT MEANS MY TRAINING’S WORKING AND YOU’RE LEARNING TO DEFEND YOURSELF!

 

**Moonlight Charm:** I’LL BLAST YOUR ASS RIGHT INTO THE HUNGER IF YOU TRY THAT SHIT AGAIN

 

**~*~*~*~**

 

**Moonlight Charm:** Barry is the worst swimmer ever, you can quote me on that, and don’t forget it!

 

**Barney BlueJorts:** Please forget it,,,

 

**#BeachLife:** Too late, I’ve written it down!

 

**Barney BlueJorts:** LUCRETIA WHY

 

**#BeachLife:** It’s what I do, Barold.

 

**Sunlight Charm:** I would pay shoes to see Barry’s gods-awful swimming

 

**Moonlight Charm:** Pay up and we’ll talk

 

**Barney BlueJorts:** Nah, I’ll just go drown brb

 

**Sunlight Charm:** C’mon, Barry! Don’t kill yourself!

 

**Moonlight Charm:** Don’t worry, Magnus jumpscared Barold before he even got to the shoreline

 

**~*~*~*~**

 

**{Cycle 30}**

 

**[Muscle Man changed their name to Coach Burnsides]**

 

**Very Important Dwarf;** Why the name change?

 

**Coach Burnsides:** I’m coaching for the Tesseralia Losers, a Rebound team!

 

**Barold Blue-Colored Denim Pants:** Do you even understand that game yet?

 

**Coach Burnsides:** Haha nope! All I need to know is how to boost a kid’s confidence and scare away pesky janitors!

 

**~*~*~*~**

 

**Chef Lup:** I am never eating anything else ever again,,, this place is just too damn good,,,

 

**Wallflower Flowerwall:** What did you eat

 

**Chef Taako:** We don’t even know, I think it was just pure bliss,,,

 

**Chef Lup:** Too bad the cowards won’t share their damn recipes

 

**Chef Taako:** Pfft, you and I are EXPERTS at food, Bubbeleh, we can figure this shit OUT

 

**Chef Lup:** Damn you right

 

**~*~*~*~**

 

**Very Important Dwarf:** So, apparently I’m learning this thing called “Parlay”

 

**Fancy ‘Port:** Go on, what is it?

 

**Very Important Dwarf:** Basically I get to force somebody to negotiate with me in some kind of mind space. Get rid of some beef.

 

**Chef Taako:** Sounds pretty kickass, could probably talk to that guy you pissed off in cycle 26

 

**Wallflower Flowerwall:** No, he couldn’t. We didn’t get the light in cycle 26 so that guy is lost in the Hunger somewhere

 

**Barold Blue-Colored Denim Pants:** IJDCNJICDSJ WHAT IF HE COULD TALK TO THE HUNGER

 

**Chef Lup:** BARRY BLUEJEANS YOU JEANIUS!!!

 

**Chef Lup:** I’ve been wanting to say that for a while now,,,

 

**Very Important Dwarf:** I mean, if there’s a single person behind the entire hunger then yeah I could talk to ‘em

 

**Fancy ‘Port:** Think it over, Merle, as good of an idea as it is there’s still the possibility that the Hunger isn’t somebody you’d want to meet

 

**Very Important Dwarf:** No worries, Cap’n! I’ve met some terrible bastards in my life, the hunger probably won’t be the worst person I’ve had a conversation with.

 

**~*~*~*~**

 

**[Cycle 47]**

 

**Bullying a Log:** What’s like… the most tender animal…

 

**Barry BlackSlacks:** Chicken?

 

**Bullying a Log:** NO! I meant like… emotionally

 

**Not a Fake Philosopher:** Barold, you fool, duck is obviously more tender than chicken

 

**Bullying a Log:** Yo, ducks can be emotional, right?

 

**Artistic Writer:** Sure, why not?

 

**Bullying a Log:** OKAY YEAH THAT’S GOOD, THANKS!

 

**~*~*~*~**

 

**Not a Real Violinist:** I just walked in on Merle practicing dancing and I think I died so see Y'all next cycle

 

**Movin’ Merle:** Hey! I’m not _that_ bad of a dancer

 

**Not a Real Violinist:** I know, you aren’t a bad dancer at all and that’s the scary part of it

 

**Not a Real Violinist:** But, like, could ya at least do it with a shirt on?

 

**Movin’ Merle:** No can do, then I’d get my dance sweat all of the armpits of the shirt!

 

**Not a Real Violinist:** EW! EW! I’M DOUBLE DEAD!

 

**Captain of the Opera:** Merle, please stop grossing everyone out.

 

**Movin’ Merle:** Where’s the fun in that?

 

**~*~*~*~**

 

**Not a Real Violinist:** 90% of Taako’s stolen quotes are from Dr. Seus

 

**Not a Fake Philosopher:** That man was a genius and that’s all there is to it

 

**Barry Black slacks:** Don’t you have any,,, professional philosophers in that book of yours??

 

**Not a Fake Philosopher:** Professional philosophers don’t rhyme and they aren’t smarter than Dr. Seus.

 

**Captain of the Opera:** Is this because you mostly have Dr. Seus books in your room???

 

**Not a Fake Philosopher:** N-No!

 

**~*~*~*~**

 

**Bullying a Log:** Hey Y'all, good news, and bad news

 

**Captain of the Opera:** Magnus it’s 2 in the morning…

 

**Bullying a Log:** Okay, yeah, but this is super important Cap’n

 

**Captain of the Opera:** Okay, what’s the problem?

 

**Bullying a Log:** The good thing is that I got into the cave. The bad thing is that the light of creation isn’t here, just a lotta giant jellyfish. I really like the jellyfish though.

 

**Captain of the Opera:** Damn it, did you tell this to Barry?

 

**Bullying a Log:** Yeah but he’s in too good of a mood to be useful in this situation. He n’ Lup might be scouting around the world with the Starblaster

 

**Not a Fake Philosopher:** Y’all underestimate the power of self-confident college students, I’ll get that light in like a day.

 

**Artistic Writer:** I’m interested in hearing more about these Jellyfish that critique everybody’s work

 

**Bullying a Log:** I’d love to introduce ya to them, Luce, but I think I’ll need to get more buddy-buddy with them before then  
****

 

**Bullying a Log:** Speaking of which, I need to go make another duck

 

**Captain of the Opera:** No Magnus, get some sleep.

 

**Bullying a Log:** Duck first, sleep later

 

**~*~*~*~**

 

**[Cycle 65]**

 

**Logolepsy:** Anybody there?

 

**Logolepsy:** I’m at the Starblaster wreckage and I can’t see any of you!

 

**Logolepsy:** That’s a lie, I found Fisher. Who is in good shape for your information.

 

**Logolepsy:** A little roughed up but overall he’s okay.

 

**Logolepsy:** Where are you?

 

**Logolepsy:** Can I get a response, please?

 

**~*~*~*~**

 

**Logolepsy:** Hello?

 

**~*~*~*~**

 

**Logolepsy:** Did you all die…

 

**~*~*~*~**

 

**Logolepsy:** I guess you probably did… shit.

 

**~*~*~*~**

 

**Logolepsy:** Normally I keep my problems in my journals but…

 

**Logolepsy:** I really miss you all.

 

**Logolepsy:** I know none of you can’t read this right now and that I’m talking to a brick wall right now but I guess it’s better than going crazy and talking to myself.

 

**Logolepsy:** It’s been months since we got to this gods-forsaken reality, months of tireless running and fleeing from the damned authorities of this world.

 

**Logolepsy:** They are practically guarding all the food and water supplies.

 

**Logolepsy:** Not to mention the damage to the ship but if I don’t fix it then the Starblaster might not make it to the atmosphere of this world.

 

**Logolepsy:** Have to go, I can hear them approaching.

 

**~*~*~*~**

 

**Logolepsy:** What if I can’t make it, and we’re all gone for good.

 

**Logolepsy:** I have cut too many close edges just getting by I don’t know if I can do this.

 

**Logolepsy:** It is not just the authorities, either. The planet is crawling with marauders.

 

**Logolepsy:** How much longer can I go just by running?

 

**~*~*~*~**

 

**Logolepsy:** I didn’t run today. I was able to take down some marauders.

 

**Logolepsy:** It felt so exhilarating to turn around and land a punch on one of them.

 

**Logolepsy:** Less than a month to go before I can get out of here

 

**Logolepsy:** Less than a month to go before this world gets lost to the hunger

 

**Logolepsy:** I’m ready to leave this place rotting.

 

**~*~*~*~**

 

**[Cycle 82]**

 

**Magnus The Camp Man:** How’s everybody’s memory working?

 

**Defensive Story Writer:** No, not that I would know if anything was wrong with it but I’m assuming it’s fine. Why do you ask?

 

**Magnus The Camp Man:** Fisher’s been eating a whole lotta book and won’t spit the information back out!

 

**Captain of Illusion:** Should you let him do that? What if he eats something important and we all forget a basic life skill.

 

**Magnus The Camp Man:** I skim the texts before I let him eat them, I’m mostly just giving him stories and not non-fiction stuff.

 

**Defensive Story Writer:** Well, don’t overfeed the poor thing, and try not to feed him every storybook you find.

 

**Magnus The Camp Man:** Lucretia, your lack of trust in me hurts.

 

**Magnus The Camp Man:** That being said I think this library we’re in is nearly empty.

 

**~*~*~*~**

 

**Captain of Illusion:** Apologies in advance, this is only for today

 

**[Lulu has received Administrator privileges]**

 

**Lulu:** HOLY SHIT

 

**Koko:** Go hog wild, sis.

 

**[Lulu has changed their name to Hot Babe #1]**

 

**[Lulu has changed Koko’s name to Hot Babe #2]**

 

**[Lulu has changed Barry DeadJeans’ name to Spook Scare Skele <3]**

 

**[Lulu has changed Captain of Illusion’s name to Home is Where the Boat is]**

 

**[Lulu has changed Magnus The Camp Man’s name to Stronk]**

 

**[Lulu has changed Old Boring Dwarf’s name to Love Live Plants™]**

 

**[Lulu has changed Defensive Story Writer’s name to Queen Boo(k)]**

 

**Stronk:** How long do we have to use these names?  
  
**Hot Babe #1:** Why would you want to change it?

 

**Stronk:** Damn you’re right!

 

**~*~*~*~**

 

**[Cycle 92]**

 

**TaAkO:** Yo, let me be real, the artificers seem too incompetent to be this smart  
  
****

**Bear Face:** Care to elaborate?

 

**TaAkO:** I saw one of them make an artifact of immense power and then immediately forget about its existence, like they made it, looked it over, and proceeded to walk away from the table

 

**TaAkO:** They’ve been gone for over an hour now

 

**Barry BlueLich:** Did you steal the artifact?

 

**TaAkO:** I’m no thief… but I was just going to borrow it but then it hissed at me

 

**LuP:** IM SORRY IT _HISSED_ AT YOU

 

**TaAkO:** Haha yeah ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 

**Arcane Insurance:** Burn it, that thing sounds far too dangerous to let it continue existing

 

**Captain of this Hell:** Don’t burn it, the artificer may come back for it

 

**TaAkO:** He’s been gone for a full hour and a half, Cap’n, if he was coming back for it he must have died on his way here

 

**Writing Warrant for your Arrest as we Speak:** Taako, just don’t touch it, if it can hiss it can probably bite.

 

**TaAkO:** Damn… guess you’re right Lucy… it’s not like I haven’t thrown the KrEbStAr at it or anything…

 

**LuP:** TAAKO ARE YOU CRAZY

 

**TaAkO:** NOO IIM RUNRFIG FOR MTY LFIE

 

**Bear Face:** TAAKO HOLY SHIT DON’T DIE I’M OMW

 

**~*~*~*~**

 

**[Cycle 99]**

 

**Sash Stash:** This might sound crazy but I think I found my distant cousins

 

**The Doctor:** How????

 

**Sash Stash:** I don’t know but the whole Rockseeker clan is here, different people but same tribe and traditions

 

**The Doctor:** Is it possible that this plane is just ours but further back in time?

 

**Bull-warding Staff:** It can’t be, the sky and astronomy are completely different, similar but still a different world.

 

**Thinker’s Rock:** So… that means we won’t get to meet our younger selves?

 

**Captain of the Oculus:** Even if this was the same world, it’d take a couple hundred years for them to catch up to our technology. Meaning that you elves might be the only ones who live long enough to meet yourselves.

 

**Fire-Bird Flame Glove:** Oh, sweet. I’m going to tell me to stay tf away from science

 

**Barry Bell Bottoms:** What’s so bad about science?

  
  
**Fire-Bird Flame Glove:** Science is the whole reason we’re in this mess.

 

**The Doctor:** Science is what kept us from getting eaten by the hunger, right?

 

**Flaming-Bird Flame Glove:** Last time I checked there was only one hunger, and it’s been dealt with. So future me will be fine.

 

**Bull-Warding Staff:** But if the hunger is already taken care of then you don’t need to avoid science?

 

**Fire-Bird Flame Glove:** Damn, you’re right

 

**Fire-Bird Flame Glove:** Idk maybe I’ll just give myself some money and walk away

 

**Thinker’s Rock:** Idk about you but I’m tricking younger me into thinking that I’m a wise, blind man who enhanced his other senses so good I can predict the future.

 

**Fire-Bird Flame Glove:** What a power move

 

**~*~*~*~**

 

**Fire-Bird Flame Glove:** Any of you guys having… second thoughts about all of this?

 

**Barry Bell Bottoms:** Of course, babe, but was there any other decision?

 

**Bull-Warding Staff:** I’m still working on my shield if you guys need a second choice?  
  
**Captain of the Oculus:** Lucretia, you know we can’t just leave this world. It’s the closest to home we’ve ever gotten.

 

**Bull-warding Staff:** Then I can try the shield here, I know it can work captain.

 

**Captain of the Oculus:** It’s too risky, this is the best ending we’re going to get

 

**Bull-Warding Staff:** Okay… I understand captain.

 

**~*~*~*~**

 

**Thinker’s Rock:** Anybody know where Lup is?

 

**Barry Bell Bottoms:** She left a be back soon card in our room but I don’t know where she went.

 

**Barry Bell Bottoms:** She left her communicator here, too.

 

**Thinker’s Rock:** Damn

 

**Thinker’s Rock:** Guess I’ll just wait then…

 

**~*~*~*~**

 

**Sash Stash:** Has anybody seen Dav’s communicator? It’s been ‘misplaced’ somewhere

 

**Sash Stash:** Guy can’t even admit he lost it haha!

 

**The Doctor:** Nah, I haven’t seen it around

 

**Thinker’s Rock:** Kinda busy looking for something else, my guy.

 

**Bull-Warding Staff:** Haven’t seen it around.

 

**Sash Stash:** Alright, keep an eye out I guess

 

**~*~*~*~**

 

**[Captain of the Oculus has downloaded the system's archives]**

 

**[Captain of the Oculus is turning the servers offline]**

 

**[. . .]**

 

**Bull-Warding Staff:** Please forgive me…

 

**[Servers Offline** **✔** **]**


	2. HTBG = Here There Be Groupchats

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you folks don't mind I renovated the title and summary of this fic a little bit. Figured It'd make more sense to change the title from "I Saw Seven Usernames" if I'm expanding beyond the birds

**{1 Year Later}**

 

**[Servers Loading...]**

 

**[. . .]**

 

**[Servers Online ✔]**

 

**[Captain of the Oculus is Online]**

 

**[Bull-Warding Staff is Online]**

 

**[Captain of the Oculus has given Bull-Warding Staff Administrator Status]**

 

**[Bull-Warding Staff has changed their name to The Director]**

 

**[The Director has changed Captain of the Oculus’ name to Davenport]**

 

 **Barry Bell Bottoms:** Lucretia?

 

 **The Director:** Barry!

 

 **Barry Bell Bottoms:** What are you doing? What’s your plan?

 

 **The Director:** Barry I’m so sorry, for everything but I promise it’s not for nothing.

 

 **Barry Bell Bottoms:** Lucretia please you don’t need to do this!

 

 **The Director:** We don’t have a third option! I’m not going to stand idly by and let this world fall into war! I’m going to fix this! I’ll protect us! This isn’t goodbye forever…

 

 **Barry Bell Bottoms:** Lucretia you’re going to cut us off from the other planes!

 

 **The Director:** I know what I’m doing. This is going to work.  
****

**The Director:** It has to.

 

**[Barry Bell Bottoms has been kicked from the server]**

 

**[The Director is deleting the chat history]**

 

**[. . .]**

 

 **[History Erased** **✔** **]**

 

**~*~*~*~**

 

**{10 Years Later}**

 

**[Bureau of Balance Communications Channel #3]**

 

 **Boyland:** Does anyone know where I can find Carey? I need to talk to her about something.

 

 **Avi:** She’s here at the cannon bay. I feel like you should save your conversation for later though, she’s pretty stressed about Killian right now.

 

 **Boyland:** Of course she is, that’s exactly why I need to talk with her before she dies of worry

 

 **Carey Fangbattle:** I am _fine._ I’m 100% sure Killian is doing okay because I trust she’s a very competent person and is going to be just _fine._

 

 **Avi:** The fact that you’re obsessively chewing on your claws tells me otherwise

 

 **Carey Fangbattle:** Don’t expose me like this

 

 **Boyland:** I’m on my way with pop tarts  
****

**Carey Fangbattle:** NO! Pop tarts are only for times of stress and I’m not stressed right now! Killian will be messaging us any minute now!

 

 **Boyland:** I’m bringing two boxes of pop tarts

 

 **Carey Fangbattle:** NO!!!

 

 **Brad Bradson:** Carey if you’re feeling stressed about Killian’s absence then I encourage you to come by my office, I can help counsel you through this.

 

 **Carey Fangbattle:** I. Am. Fine. I don’t need stress pop tarts and I don’t need counselling right now. All I am doing is sitting, calmly, and waiting for Killian’s definite return.

 

 **Avi:** Your leg is bouncing like crazy

 

 **Carey Fangbattle:** Expose me again one more time and I’m going to blind you.

 

 **Boyland:** @Brad Bradson you might as well bring the therapy to her because she ain’t budging.

 

 **Brad Bradson:** Excellent idea! I’ll be there shortly!

 

 **Carey Fangbattle:** I am perfectly fine please don’t come here.

 

 **Avi:** You’re absolutely not fine and if I wasn’t on guard duty right now I’d be hugging you  
****

**Avi:** I probably shouldn’t be messaging the chat right now

 

 **The Director:** I would agree that it’s an unwise decision to be using the company’s group chat during work

 

 **Carey Fangbattle:** afgafhjskdfgs Avi almost threw his communicator

 

 **Avi:** Hello Madame, my apologies  
****

**The Director:** I’m not mad, I appreciate you keeping us updated on Carey but I think it’s time to power your com device down for the remainder of your shift  
****

**Avi:** Of course, Ma’am  
****

**Carey Fangbattle:** Director can you please tell @Boyland and @Brad Bradson that they don’t need to calm me down because I am perfectly calm

 

 **The Director:** Brad is well past today’s work quota and is technically working overtime voluntarily and I gave both you and Boyland time off until Killian’s mission comes to an end so they’re both allowed to do whatever currently, even if they choose to console you during stressful times.  
****

**Carey Fangbattle:** THESE RE NOT STRESSFUL TIMES, THERE’S NOTHING TO BE STRESSED ABOUT I’M PERFECTLY HAPPY BECAUSE NOTHING COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG BECAUSW KILLIAN IS PERFECTLY CAPABLE OF FINSJHING THIS WIHTIOUTTANY PRIOBLWMS

 

 **Boyland:** I’m already here, where are you, Carey?  
****

**Carey Fangbattle:**. . .

 

 **Carey Fangbattle:** I’m sitting down next to shuttle 3  
****

**Boyland:** I’ll be right there, Care.  
****

**Brad Bradson:** I’ll also be there shortly!

 

 **Carey Fangbattle:** I’m perfectly fine but thank you.

 

 **Avi:** Doubt.jpg  
****

**The Director:** Avi…  
****

**Avi:** Sorry! Sorry! Powering down now!

 

 **Killian:** Smh Avi how irresponsible of you, texting on the job.

 

 **Carey Fangbattle:** Killian!!!

 

 **Boyland:** To be fair you’re texting on the job too right now.

 

 **Killian:** That’s where you’re wrong!

 

 **Killian:** The Phoenix Fire Gauntlet is under control!

 

 **Avi:** WHOO!!

 

 **The Director:** Really?

 

 **Avi:** SORRY!  
****

**The Director:** No, Avi, that wasn’t directed at you, but seriously please turn your communications device off.

 

 **The Director:** Please, continue, Killian.  
****

**Killian:** Yeah, I’ll be honest it wasn’t exactly a clean job, Brian got killed and Phandolin’s kind of just… gone now…

 

 **Killian:** But! I’m with these three dudes, some regular explorers, who helped me with Brian and are currently holding the Phoenix Fire gauntlet without being affected by the thrall of it whatsoever.

 

 **Killian:** I might have to bring them up with me since they’re the ones holding the gauntlet. You wouldn’t mind, would you?

 

 **The Director:** You have my permission to bring them up. They sound like they’ve helped you out plenty during your mission and we’ll probably need all the help we can get.

 

 **The Director:** It’s odd, though, that they’re not affected by the relic’s thrall.

 

 **Killian:** Okay! I’ll take them up with me then.

 

 **Killian:** No idea how they managed to stay un-thralled though, I’ll keep you folks updated just in case

 

 **Killian:** See you guys soon!

 

 **Boyland:** See ya, Kills.

 

 **Carey Fangbattle:** Yeah! See you soon!

 

**~*~*~*~**

 

**[Taako has been added to Bureau of Balance Communication Channel #3]**

 

**[Magnus Burnsides has been added to Bureau of Balance Communication Channel #3]**

 

**[Merle Highchurch has been added to Bureau of Balance Communication Channel #3]**

 

 **The Director:** Welcome to the Bureau of Balance, boys!

 

 **Magnus Burnsides:** Holy shit these things are cool

 

 **Magnus Burnsides:** What is it again?

 

 **The Director:** A communications device designed by Miller Labs.

 

 **Merle Highchurch:** does this thing have apps

 

 **The Director:** No.

 

 **Merle Highchurch:** darn

 

 **Killian:** Hey boys! Glad to see you made it out of that initiation test!

 

 **Magnus Burnsides:** I thought it was pretty fun! I have some robo arms now :D

 

 **Avi:** Do they just let you keep them?

 

 **Magnus Burnsides:** No one stopped me :/

 

 **The Director:** I don’t see Miller labs needing the arms back so until further notice you can keep them.

 

 **Merle Highchurch:** So who exactly is in this chat with us????

 

 **The Director:** This is a channel so you can stay in touch with various B.O.B members. We base these servers off of who you already know and who you will need to stay in contact with. I figure this server would be the best to start you off with and help you guys get used to the system considering how you’re already familiar with Killian

 

 **The Director:** You can always directly message someone in private for a one on one talk as well!

 

 **The Director:** @Killian @Carey Fangbattle and @Boyland are also a part of their own team, as you three are your own team.

 

 **The Director:** @Avi is one of our cannon specialists and is the one you will need to talk to whenever you need to get back to the world’s surface via cannon and @Brad Bradson is an employee from HR who is the one you would talk to for any questions, comments, and concerns. He’s also the moderator here

 

 **The Director:** You can leave and join servers whenever as long as you ask a moderator of a server beforehand.

 

 **The Director:** @Davenport is also in all the servers, as am I, as an administrator. I trust Davenport to help me assist the moderators whenever needed. However, Davenport can’t type many words, he can either type his name or use the suggested word feature, so Miller Labs equipped him with an alternative way of communicating.

 

 **Davenport:** (•‿•)づ

 

 **Magnus Burnsides:** !!!

 

 **Magnus Burnsides:** Do we get those faces too!!!

 

 **The Director:** Sorry but it’s a Davenport specific feature. You’d have to talk to Lucas Miller if you want him to give you one as well.

 

 **Davenport:** ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 

 **Magnus Burnsides:** Darn :( I’ll be sure to ask him when I see him then!

 

**[Taako has changed their name to Bored]**

 

 **Bored:** So what exactly do we talk about in here?

 

 **Avi:** Wait, before we answer that, how the hell did you change your name???

 

 **Bored:** I just held onto my name and it gave me the option to change my name, did you not know that?

 

 **Carey Fangbattle:** IDK about you but I’m not getting the option to change my name here.

 

**[Magnus Burnsides has changed their name to The Hammer]**

 

 **The Hammer:** I found it just fine

 

 **Killian:** ???? I’m not seeing it???? You sure it’s not in settings or something?????

 

 **Bored:** I haven’t even opened the settings page yet, homie

 

 **Merle Highchurch** : I found it just fine. I’ve just opted not to use it.

 

 **The Hammer:** Bull. You can’t find it either

 

 **Merle Highchurch:** I CAN’T FIGURE OUT HOW TO HOLD MY NAME

 

 **Brad Bradson:** This is odd? Name change is a feature for moderators only?

 

 **Bored:** Then how the hell am I not Taako rn if I’m not a moderator, mister smartypants?

 

 **The Director:** Okay, slight technical difficulties.

 

 **Davenport:** (ʘ⌐ಠ) ???

 

 **The Director:** For some reason, Merle, Taako, and Magnus have defaulted as moderators so I’ll need to take a moment to rectify this

 

 **The Hammer:** So we don’t get to keep the names D:

 

 **Carey Fangbattle:** The name changing looks fun though! Why can’t we use it!

 

 **The Director:** It’s a moderator specific ability because they need to use it to customize someone’s name if requested to do so, as an example if someone wanted to shorten their name by cutting out the last name from their user or if they were going through a name change for any reason.

 

 **Brad Bradson:** If I may, madam, I’ve been working with most of these people for a while now and I think we can trust them with some name changing, it could work as a good icebreaker and keep things fun in the servers.

 

 **Killian:** Yes! He makes a good point!

 

 **Carey Fangbattle:** An excellent point even!

 

 **The Director:** I suppose I can make some edits and let you guys have the option, but I still need to take away Taako, Magnus, and Merle’s moderator abilities because they are more than just changing their own names.

 

**[Bored has changed Merle Highchurch’s name to Earl]**

 

 **Bored:** Oh? Like, change another person’s name? Too late you already told us about that bit

 

 **Earl:** HEY!! I still don’t know how to fix this yet! You couldn’t even think of something cool to call me!

 

 **Bored:** Like what?

 

 **The Hammer:** Lemme try

 

**[The Hammer has changed Earl’s name to Bad Healer]**

 

 **Bad Healer:** God where’s the tutorial on name changing.

 

 **Avi:** Do you need help?

 

 **Bad Healer:** NO I can find it thank you very much

 

 **Avi:** Good luck I guess???

 

 **Bad Healer:** Yeah yeah

 

 **Boyland:** What the hell is happening in here

 

 **Carey Fangbattle:** Welcome to the party, Boyland!

 

**[Bored has changed Boyland’s name to Boy Land]**

 

 **Boy Land:** Hold on a minute here

 

 **Bored:** I saw the opportunity and I took it

 

 **Boy Land:** I don't even know who you are

 

 **Killian:** These are the guys I picked up from my last mission

 

 **Boy Land:** Am I to assume their names are Bored, The Hammer, and Bad Healer or??

 

 **The Hammer:** Yes.

 

 **Bad Healer:** No.

 

 **Bored:** Yes! These are our names now!!

 

 **Bad Healer:** There’s no way I’m calling the big guy “The Hammer” in person

 

 **The Hammer:** Doesn’t matter, I’m still gonna call you Bad Healer in person

 

 **Bad Healer:** I’ll remember that the next time you get a boo-boo.

 

 **The Director:** I’ve finished with updating the roles! Magnus, Merle, and Taako no longer have the moderator privileges but now you all have the ability to change _your own_ names. Go crazy folks.

 

 **Avi:** Thank you for this power, madam

 

**[Avi has changed their name to Cannon Enthusiast]**

 

**[Carey Fangbattle has changed their name to Sneak ‘n’ Stab]**

 

**[Killian has changed their name to Big ‘n’ Buff]**

 

**[Boy Land has changed their name to Boyland]**

 

 **Sneak ‘n’ Stab:** Boo, you’re boring B.Land

 

 **Boyland:** I’m not _boring,_ I just don’t see the point in it

 

 **Bored:** Sneak is right, B.Land

 

 **Bored:** Trust me, my name is Bored, says so on my birth certificate.

 

 **Bored:** I know boring when I see it

 

 **Boyland:** I don’t think your name is Bored but I don’t know enough about you to dispute it

 

 **Bad Healer:** I still can’t figure this out, I just can’t find the option!

 

 **The Hammer:** If you change your name for any reason, Boyland, change it to flex on Merle

 

**[Boyland has changed their name to Family Man]**

 

 **Big ‘n’ Buff:** HAHA YES

 

 **Sneak ‘n’ Stab:** fgskjgfsflg amazing

 

 **Bad Healer:** Now this is just bullying

 

 **Brad Bradson:** Is it? Are you feeling genuinely hurt right now? Is this more than teasing?

 

 **Bad Healer:** No, don’t take it seriously. I’m fine, thank you, Brad. I’ll figure this out soon

 

 **The Hammer:** I’m coming over to help you, Merle

 

 **Bad Healer:** I told you! I don’t need help! I can figure it out just _fine_ on my own thank you very much!

 

 **The Hammer:** Too late. I’m on the hunt.

 

 **The Hammer:** I _WILL_ find you

 

 **The Hammer:** and I _WILL_ help you

 

 **Bored:** jfc Magnus you sound like you’re gonna kill the man

 

 **The Hammer:** No! I just wanna help him!

 

 **Bad Healer:** Too late, I’ve been thoroughly scared. I’m hiding now. Never gonna find me.

 

 **The Hammer:** Turning my comm device off so I can find Merle, brb

 

 **Bad Healer:** jokes on him he’ll never find me

 

 **Bored:** I wouldn’t doubt the man, Merle

 

 **Sneak ‘n’ Stab:** I haven’t met him yet but am I supposed to be afraid of Magnus or trust him?

 

 **Bad Healer:** I’m still figuring that one out

 

 **Big ‘n’ Buff:** He seems nice at least? But then again he could probably bench press all of us at once

 

 **Bored:** Oh yeah, he could deffo pick us all up without breaking a sweat, but then again he’s downright TERRIFIED of spiders and the dark so I don’t find the guy very threatening

 

 **The Hammer:** IM NOT AFRAID OF THOSE THINGS.  
  
**The Hammer:** I’m an adult I can handle spiders and the dark.

 

 **Bored:** Gonna need you to tell me that again but in a zone of truth, my guy.

 

 **The Hammer:** Well you’re in luck because I just found Merle and he knows how to cast it, right?

 

 **Bad Healer:** Yeah I know the spell

 **Bad Healer:** WAIT A MINUTE WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOUILGJDN FOFDUIHDNJCD MERKNJH

 

 **Cannon Enthusiast:** gksfjgfk R.I.P Merle

 

 **Bored:** I can’t believe Magnus killed Merle

 

 **Davenport:** (↼︵↼)っ✿

 

 **Big ‘n’ Buff:** sdlkjfdhfj omg Davenport

 

 **The Hammer:** GUYS I DIDN’T KILL HIM

 

 **The Hammer:** He’s perfectly fine, tell them, Merle,

 

**[Bad Healer has changed their name to Dead]**

 

 **The Hammer:** That’s not helpful Merle

 

 **Dead:** . . .

 

 **Bored:** I can’t believe Merle’s fucking dead

 

 **Bored:** Rest in peace, you weird little old man

 

 **The Hammer:** Wouldn’t be the first time I killed a man

 

 **Dead:** Sorry let me just come back from the dead for a moment

 

 **Dead:** WHAT

 

 **The Hammer:** ;)

 

 **Davenport:** (ಠ━ಠ) ゜゜゜

 

 **Family Man:** Wow I can’t believe Merle came back from the dead and Magnus has killed a man before

 

 **Family Man:** Taako, have you ever done anything death related?

 

 **Bored:** Like I’d say my death-related crimes. We can’t all confess to wrongdoings in one day

 

 **Dead:** I didn’t confess to a crime though?

 

 **Brad Bradson:** If I may, coming back from the dead isn’t exactly a crime from _this_ plane but it’s definitely frowned upon in the astral plane by reapers so police forces have agreed that coming back from the dead is, in fact illegal.

 

 **Big ‘n’ Buff:** Damn, Brad, how’d ya know all of that?

 

 **Brad Bradson:** I’m a social worker. It helps to know the ins and outs of laws

 

 **Dead:** Oh no. I’m a fugitive now. Thanks, Magnus.

 

 **The Hammer:** I didn’t bring you back from the dead?

 

 **Dead:** Yeah but you killed me so you did like half of the job. You’re like the accomplice here

 

 **Cannon Enthusiast:** I don’t think that’s how it works?

 

 **Dead:** How would you know? You’re not a reaper, are you?

 

 **Bored:** You legally have to tell us if you’re a reaper

 

 **Cannon Enthusiast:** I’m not answering that.

 

 **The Hammer:** I can’t believe Avi is a reaper spy

 

 **Cannon Enthusiast:** :)

 

 **Family Man:** I always knew you were a snitch, Avi

 

 **Cannon Enthusiast:** To be fair you’re not supposed to smoke in the cannon bay

 

 **Family Man:** IT WAS ONE TIME

 

 **Big ‘n’ Buff:** Remind me to never invite you to anything illegal, Avi

 

 **Brad Bradson:** None of you should really be doing anything illegal…

 

 **Sneak ‘n’ Stab:** Well we’re not doing anything illegal on _company time_

 

 **Brad Bradson:** I’ll just pretend I didn’t read that.

 

 **Big ‘n’ Buff:** Thank you for being better than Avi, Brad

 

 **Cannon Enthusiast:** I feel called out

 

 **Sneak ‘n’ Stab:** Uh, yeah, I sure hope so

 

 **Family Man:** Quit snitchin’ Avi

 

 **Cannon Enthusiast:** Quit smokin’, Boyland

 

 **Family Man:** That’s fair, but also no

 

 **Cannon Enthusiast:** Oh well I tried.

 

 **Family Man:** It was a valiant effort

 

 **Big ‘n’ Buff:** You’re leaving a bad impression on all of your kids

 

 **Family Man:** I have like a thousand kids, I’m sure some of them are gonna be smart enough to avoid smoking

 

 **Dead:** Wait, how much kids do you have????

 

 **Boyland:** 400 sons, 13 daughters

 

 **Bored:** HOLY SHIT

 

 **The Hammer:** HWAT

 

 **Big ‘n’ Buff:** Not to mention his multiple wives and husbands

 

 **Sneak ‘n’ Stab:** Did ya think “family man” was just a random nickname?

 

 **Dead:** A little???

 

 **Cannon Enthusiast:** Yeah man, it’s wild

 

 **Family Man:** What can I say? I’m a lucky guy

 

 **Dead:** I wouldn’t consider it as luck but whatever floats your boat

 

 **Family Man:** While we’re on the topic, I need to head out for little Junior’s birthday

 

 **Bored:** You have more kids than there are days of the year!

 

 **Bored:** Do you have to go down for a birthday party _every day?_

 

 **Family Man:** None of my kids were born on February 29th

 

 **The Hammer:** _THAT’S EVERY LEAP YEAR_

 

 **The Hammer:** _DO YOU ONLY GET A BREAK FROM PARENTING EVERY FOUR YEARS_

 

 **Family Man:** I love being a dad, every day’s a break for me

 

 **Dead:** Yeah but a daily birthday party every day doesn’t seem swell. Don’t you get tired of eating cake?

 

 **Family Man:** At this point, I’m just living off of junk party food and sodas

 

 **Family Man:** I’m not a healthy man

 

 **Family Man:** Now if you excuse me I need to get to Junior’s before they start opening gifts

 

 **Bored:** DO YOU HAVE TO BUY A BIRTHDAY GIFT EVERYDAY TOO?

 

 **Bored:** PLEASE COME BACK FOR JUST A MOMENT I NEED TO KNOW

 

 **Sneak ‘n’ Stab:** I can’t believe it took me this long to suddenly become worried with Boyland’s daily birthday parties

 

 **Big ‘n’ Buff:** Does

 

 **Big ‘n’ Buff:** Does he REALLY spend money on buying birthday gifts every day of the year

 

 **Big ‘n’ Buff:** Like, he wouldn’t, right?

 

 **Cannon Enthusiast:** He prides himself on being a dad so...

 

 **Dead:** May Pan have mercy on his soul

 

 **Dead:** And mercy on his bank account...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HOO BOY IT TOOK ME FOREVER TO START THIS CHAPTER, HUH?  
> I had to try like 3 times because it's hard trying to think of valid reasons a whole ass bureau would have the professional equivalent of a discord server, folks.
> 
> Anyways hope y'all enjoyed it! I'll try not to wait several months to start the next chapter! Fingers crossed!

**Author's Note:**

> I didn't beta this so please leave me some comments that either praise my writing or burn my writing, I'll be happy either way. Kudos are appreciated too.


End file.
